I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
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Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend