I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
You Might Also Like
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
some things should go without saying
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Stick it to the man