REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
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The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
WWE is French for “yes”
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Ironic
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Eating wings is the opposite of flying