Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
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My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat