My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
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No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock