Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
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My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!