My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
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WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us