The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
You Might Also Like
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Every. Damn. Time.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.