A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
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I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed