I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
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I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Always a metermaid never a meter
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”