[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
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waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both