When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
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🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up