When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
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You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.