Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
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I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Best table by far
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
…żyje?
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura