“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
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I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.