I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
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what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
I wish I were this cool 😂
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.