I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
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Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty