I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
You Might Also Like
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Brands during Pride
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine