I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
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I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*