Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
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I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?