I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
You Might Also Like
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff