God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
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Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.