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I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not