Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
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Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Software Development ⛵️
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Isn’t
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee