Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
work smarter, not harder
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.