Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
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Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one