[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
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NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school