If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
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All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!