Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
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Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
#Caturday
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.