When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
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Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I need to get some bricks…
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct