Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
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My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen