Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
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*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.