imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
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[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”