My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
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Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are