I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
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*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron