Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
You Might Also Like
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I think the cat got the dog high.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)