I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
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Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
This is why I hate group projects
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
*offers Batman cough drops*
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you