[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
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[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.