Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
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GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Not even remotely sorry.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel