Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
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*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
*limbos away from your hug*
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”