Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
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People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Meowchelangelo
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.