I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
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Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it