Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
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ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
much to think about
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles