Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
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I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.