“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
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a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
what’s really going on
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying