An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
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DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.