How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
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thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.