After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
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I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”