WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
You Might Also Like
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
A great tip. #CakeRex
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner