[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
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Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot